How not to have a conversation

A good conversation can open up new worlds and can make you grow as a person. But, we’ve all been trapped in a poor conversation, and we probably all know people who we avoid because of the way they talk. If you want to be avoided, here are some tips.

Fail to take an interest

Go ahead, don’t ask the person you are talking to anything about themselves or their lives. Instead, only talk about yourself. Make it clear that you are the most important. Your life is the only one worth talking about. Asking questions is for someone else. If you are face to face, rub it in by looking at your watch while they’re talking, or by smiling at someone else in the distance, or by sending a text message, or by answering your phone. 

Don’t pick up on anything interesting

Interrupt someone, or talk over them. Ignore the fact that they have touched on an idea they’ve had, or that they have offered you something about themselves that could expand your world, if you’d only shut up about yourself and pick up on the clues.

Go on and on about the little things in your life

Talk a lot about people you know and they don’t, like work colleagues, or  people as boring as you. Or bang on forever about the breakfast you had on holiday, or the seating arrangements on the plane, or every little detail concerning your medical problem. Turn things into a monologue.

Presume everyone is interested in the same things as you

Be boring. Talk in great depth about car engines, your phone, your hair, your work, Garibaldi, or what you saw on Facebook … while ignoring the fact that no one else has said a word for ages. Don’t pick up on other people’s body language. Instead, trap them inside your own little world.

Be long winded

Are you going to get to the point anytime soon? I’m waiting … and I really want to be somewhere else right now.

Be a wet weekend

Go ahead and turn things sour. Suck the energy out of everyone around you. Be negative. Be a cynic. Vent, complain, and start blaming everyone else. Pass judgement. Criticise other members of your family, the woman reading the news on television, anyone who is successful, everyone you know, and even their pets.

Make it into an argument

Bait people by saying things that you know is going to get their back up. Be extreme. Be opinionated. Be an adversary. Contradict the person you’re talking to. Behave as though you believe people are incapable of grasping what you mean, unless you say in at least twice, no, three times! Get your point of view across at all costs. Win that debate!

Be disrespectful

Degrade a conversation with a cheap joke or crude comment. Make people squirm. Be a racist, or a sexist. Stir controversy, whenever you can.

Be a bragger

Create an audience. Dominate the conversation with tales about your success, your wealth, and your intelligence. Show off. Glorify yourself. Pin medals on your chest. Make sure everyone knows how great you are.

Freeze someone out

In a group situation, avoid eye contact with one person and concentrate all your attention on someone else. Be exuberant with your chosen conversational partner, while ignoring the fact that the odd one out hasn’t said a word for ages, and is probably feeling uncomfortable, worthless and unwanted.

Fail to return to a conversation after it’s been interrupted

If someone is talking, and someone else barges in and interrupts, engage with the new person instead. Don’t go back to the original conversation. Leave your victim standing there, with their words unsaid, feeling awkward, with their confidence dashed. Fail to notice when they shuffle away.

Change the subject

When people are obviously enjoying a conversation, change the subject to something far less interesting. You could talk about yourself, for example, or something you watched on television. Watch people’s faces drop. They’ve encountered a conversational pest!

Interrogate someone

Ask question after question, without adding any input of your own, until they are begging for mercy. If you have a powerful desk lamp you could shine it in their eyes at the same time.

Top all anecdotes

A long exchange of anecdotes is hardly a good conversation, but if you happen to hear someone telling an anecdote, jump in as soon as they’ve finished, and immediately attempt to top their story. After all, you’ve done better, more interesting things than they have.

Don’t pass the conch

There are times to listen and times to cut in. Share the airtime.

Main image credit: Kristijonas Dirse/flickr